All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.
SAN FRANCISCO DE CAMPECHE, Campeche — State rail officials confirmed Tuesday that the Maya Train project has officially achieved all primary strategic milestones, provided one excludes the ongoing sequence of track-related incidents, multi-billion-peso operating deficits, unmaterialized passenger volume, and ecological disruption across the Yucatán Peninsula.
Speaking at a morning press conference following Monday’s partial derailment near San Francisco de Campeche — officially classified as a “50-meter lateral track-adjustment phenomenon” — officials praised the flagship infrastructure project for exceeding performance metrics in every category that does not involve continuous, forward train movement.
“When you step back and evaluate the project holistically, removing minor operational variables like wheel-to-rail contact and revenue generation, the Maya Train is operating at peak efficiency,” said Director of Strategic Messaging Arturo Velázquez, gesturing toward a series of charts that ended cleanly before the first quarter’s financial data. “The tracks exist, the scenery remains breathtaking and passengers are receiving unprecedented road-transportation exposure during precautionary evacuations.”
According to internal reports, the system’s safety protocols performed flawlessly on Monday afternoon when the final carriage of a Cancún–Palenque train gently departed the steel rail moments after leaving the terminal. Officials emphasized that transferring 123 passengers onto highway buses to complete their rail journey demonstrated the project’s flexible, multimodal transit vision.
“Many rail lines only offer rail service, which reflects a narrow, single-transport mindset,” Velázquez said, noting that the Railway Accident Review Commission expects to issue a comprehensive report on the incident as soon as the track-switching components finish their scheduled period of administrative reflection. “Our passengers enjoy a dynamic, hybrid experience where the train journey organically transitions into a scenic motorcoach tour.”
Regarding concerns from ecological groups, management clarified that the felling of millions of jungle trees and the puncturing of ancient subterranean cenotes were not environmental damages, but rather strategic structural aerations designed to allow local wildlife a better view of the passing locomotive. Addressing ridership numbers that remain a fraction of initial projections — and operating losses that continue to swallow massive federal subsidies — officials celebrated the quiet, uncrowded carriages as an exclusive luxury feature.
“Most modern mass transit suffers from severe overcrowding,” Velázquez pointed out. “By maintaining an average daily ridership that allows every single passenger to have three empty rows to themselves, we have created the world’s most peaceful, low-density megaproject.”
“To focus exclusively on whether the train stays on the tracks or turns a profit is to miss the broader narrative,” he added. “The Maya Train was built to connect communities, and yesterday, 123 travelers were brought remarkably close together while waiting on the shoulder of Highway 180.”
Check out our Jalapeño archive here.
Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!
